How am I doing?

This is the question most frequently asked. Usually it's with a sympathetic smile and sometimes when I say "good" I feel like people are surprised. There are a lot of mixed emotions these days. Some days I cry driving to work and driving home from work, and other days I don't cry at all. Little things set off the emotions and it's different every time. What I've found is that it's totally unpredictable. And when I do feel okay, or even good, sometimes I start to feel guilty, thinking that I should be mourning every moment. And yet I know that so many people are praying for us to find peace and I know that's where the "good" is coming from so I'm working on not feeling that guilt. The worst is when someone hugs me and they cry, and the tears don't come for me. I hope they realize that they don't come on command and I'm not heartless or over it. Sometimes they just don't come even when I'm feeling sorrow.

I'm still going through the stages of grief, and just got over the anger stage. I gave a lesson 2 weeks ago about death. I told the girls I was being brave for giving that lesson and not pawning it off on another leader, but I know that we were given this experience in part to share and to testify. I let the girls ask me anything they wanted. One girl tearfully asked if I was angry with God. My answer: Absolutely not. After all the miracles he gave to us, I could never be angry with him. So you may ask who am I angry at? Pretty much everyone else, for stupid trivial stuff that is irrational. I had road rage, I was a very unpleasant and impatient wife, I bit my tongue numerous times at work knowing I couldn't lash out there, and I was angry with myself for several reasons. I was just angry at everyone and everything except God. Having studied psychology, I understand anger is a normal reaction, but I'm so glad that part is over.

Life has gone back to the same routine yet now I have more projects, more memorabilia to make. I still have a stack of over 100 cards and letters that I have yet to respond to. So many were so generous to us with their words and gifts, it's a little overwhelming thinking of that pile that I have yet to respond to.

So, how am I doing? I'm surviving. It is still a matter of taking it one day at a time. I wish I were around family at this time, but we're grateful for a ward family that has taken such good care of us, and still make sure we're okay.

How is Scott doing? He's a rock. I don't know how I got so lucky. He's been so patient with me and has never been unkind when I've been angry. He's a saint for sure.

I promise not to make all of my future blog posts so sad, but I will post a lot about Adam. Here is a picture of some of his things. The framed quote is from Scott's sister Karin and her family, the basket is what he laid in after he passed with a blanket that matches the one he was buried with, in the basket is his toy the hospital gave him, we have a little plague with his pictures, and his hand and foot prints that were done at the hospital. Next project will be the shadow box.

Family pictures

November 30, a beautiful, crisp November morning, Scott and I had family pictures taken. I was so excited that I was finally starting to look pregnant. It was so weird for me to have my midsection growing and not be bothered by it. I loved it and tried to embrace each change, as I knew it meant that our little one inside of me was growing. Little did I know that the next morning I'd find the first signs of pre-term labor and the morning after that I'd be admitted into the hospital with very little hope that I'd walk out of there with a baby.

While in the hospital I thought about these pictures a lot. At first I was upset and didn't want to see them, as they'd be a reminder of this tragedy. By the time I left the hospital, empty armed,  I wanted them, because they would be the only official family pictures we'd have with Adam. Another tender mercy from a loving Heavenly Father.

I look at these and see so much hope, happiness and excitement. I try to remember that time. I hope we can find that hope and happiness again one day. I know it will be hard since every pregnancy I have from here on out will be high risk but we will try to have faith.

I'm super grateful to have these. We will cherish them.

Adam Joseph Westwood- Too perfect for this world

I look back at my blog and it was a month ago that I shared my glorious news with the blogging world. At that moment, all was right in my world. Everything was finally coming together and I remember often thinking that my world was near perfection. I spent every commute to work in silence, either thanking my Heavenly Father for this blessing, or talking to my baby and expressing my love for him. I told Scott many times that our life was never going to be the same. And that statement still holds true but in a totally different way. Our beautiful, perfect baby boy, Adam Joseph Westwood was born early, much too early. He made a huge impact on us in the short time he was alive. He gave us the gift of being parents, a term that can never be erased from us now.

Although we hold tight to our belief that we are an eternal family, our hearts still ache, and at moments the pain is so intense. All those dreams and plans we had thought of for our baby boy will have to wait 'til we meet again.

And now Christmas has arrived way too quickly. I can't help but think that we would have found tomorrow that we were having a boy. Yet I've already met my boy and his work is done here on the earth.

I still look at pictures of him and try to figure out who he looks like. The nurse said she saw me in him. But I saw so much of Scott in him. From his face to his cute hands and fingernails that are identical to Scott's. Adam looked like Westwood boys and I love that.

At this time of year, I have never felt more love for my Savior and needed his love so much. I'm so grateful for this Christmas time when we can celebrate Him, and can now celebrate Adam each year as well. Adam must have known that Christmas time is my favorite time of the year. Each year we'll continue to look forward to celebrating our son and the birth of the Savior.

I'll share more about our experience in the future. But for now, I'll just share some pictures of our son.

Baby Westwood

This is a post that I've dreamed about writing for years, 3 to be exact. How did I finally arrive here? Through the fasting and prayers of probably about 100 family and friends, joined with our faith to create this miracle. That is what this baby is, a miracle.

When Scott and I moved to Arizona, it was like we started completely over with a new OB and a new fertility specialist. We had to go through the exact things we had done 6 months previously in Utah. I had a reoccurance of polyps and a cyst that did not want to go away. All of these things prevented us from moving forward with treatment for months. Many wet pillows and many humble prayers later, we were able to start treatment. We both felt that the most basic treatment was what we needed to do. We both felt strongly that invitro was not for us. We met with our fertility doctor and he basically told us with our history that we had about 4-5% chance of becoming pregnant on our own or with this basic treatment. He suggested a step above that (not to invitro) and Scott and I still felt that we needed to stay with the basic treatment, not just because it was half the price but we just knew the other steps were not for us and we wouldn't do it if we had the money. After that appointment I was a bit discouraged. 4-5% chance of getting pregnant seemed like an impossible endeavor. Fortunately I have a husband who told me that those odds mean nothing when we have faith and words that had promised us this blessing.

During the time that we were trying to get my body fixed before starting the medication, we had a lesson in Young Women's about faith. The teacher talked about a boat and how it has two oars. One of these oars is hope and the other is works, and faith can't move unless we are doing both. I went home and discussed this with Scott and asked him what we were doing to work towards this. Well, we had been to the doctor, we prayed for it each night and fasted each fast Sunday, but what more could we do? We then had general conference and after one of the sessions we both came to the conclusion that we needed to ask for help. We needed to enlist our family in the cause and ask them to have a special fast for us. It took us a few months to finally ask for this. We asked some members in our ward, our immediate families and some of our extended family. We figure there was about 100 people fasting for us that day. We felt so much love that day surrounding us, even though we weren't close to family. At this time we had finished one round of treatment and had started a second. After the first round, I knew we needed this experience to receive an answer to our prayers. However, I was 99% sure I wasn't pregnant when I had to go in for the blood test that month. Every thing in my body felt just the opposite of pregnancy. Needless to say, I was shocked when I got the call saying I was pregnant. I waited until I got home from work to tell Scott (5 hours of keeping the secret). I got home and Scott asked if I had gotten a call from the doctor. I told him we were pregnant and we hugged and cried and then he told me that he had known for about a week (due to my hormonal behavior). We immediatly knelt down and thanked our Heavenly Father for this blessing and prayed for a healthy pregnancy.

I had a scare at 5 weeks, which is when I miscarried with my first pregnancy 2 1/2 years prior, so it was very scary. Luckily everything was fine. We kept it a secret from our immediate family until 10 1/2 weeks when I had another scare and went to the emergency room. Luckily, again, it was a false alarm and everything was fine. But we felt that they should know so they could keep us in their prayers. I'd got texts for the next week from my sister saying she was praying so hard for us, and calls from my parents making sure I was doing alright. After each doctor appointment, we'd tell a few more people in our lives. I've felt very cautious about telling people throughout this pregnancy.

At this point I'm 17 weeks and feeling really good. I feel like myself again which is nice after being sick. Every morning (and everytime I get up in the night to go to the bathroom), I'm reminded of this little miracle inside. I've been feeling movement for a few weeks which is incredible! Sometimes it doesn't seem real and then I feel a flutter and I'm reminded that this is no joke. It's a little intimidating to think that there is a little one that is depending on me to nourish them and make sure they are safe. But I'm so excited to meet our child, I just love that there will be a person that is half me and half Scott, what an amazing thing!

We were able to see our baby this week. This was the first time I've been able to see him/her with legs and arms and a head (Scott got to see him/her when we went to the hospital but I couldn't see the monitor). Baby Westwood (BW) was kicking and moving around. It was so fun to watch him/her. As for the sex of the baby, we will find out but not until Christmas day. The umbilical cord was in the way, so he wasn't positive what BW is but he is going to take another peak at our appointment the week before Christmas.

Our due date is April 28th, 2014. And here's a couple of pictures to prove it's real.