Adam's service

Has it really been 3 months since that day? Time is a funny thing when you're mourning. That day seems so long ago yet it feels like I was just pregnant and looking forward to a bright future. I try not to dwell too much on the past but I do want to record these events and share then with those that couldn't attend.

The day of the service was bitter bitter cold, even for Utahns, but especially for us (now) thin blooded Arizonians. While driving to Utah we had discussed what we felt we should talk about at the service. We both felt strongly that we needed to talk at our son's service. We had so many things we wanted to share with those dearest to us. And we were forced to limit the time since it was so cold.

Scott conducted at the service. We sang "I am a child of God" and then my dad gave the opening prayer. Then I spoke and then Scott spoke. We sang "Families can be together forever" and Scott's dad dedicated the grave.

We were able to spend time at the cemetery and visit with those that had attended. We were so grateful to those that made the effort to come.

 

 

 

And we got a little miracle during the service. The whole valley was cloudy and during the service the sky opened up and rays of sun were directed only on that small part of the cemetery. The rest of the sky was completely covered in clouds. What a blessing from heaven to know that there is still light. Miracle.

The casket that Adam was buried in was made by our bishop. He is a carpenter by trade and when he and his wife came to visit us in the hospital a couple hours after Adam was born, he started thumbing through his phone while we were visiting. He then showed Scott a picture of a tiny casket and said "How about this one?". He then asked what color we wanted and it just fell into place that he was going to make the place for our son to rest in. What a precious gift it was. He later told us that he had never made one, and it was one of two times in his life where he's wanted to make something and the blueprint was basically shown to him in his mind. A lady in our ward sowed together the lining for the inside. It turned out beautiful and we have the old fashioned key that locked it shut. They accomplished this in 3 days. What an amazing gift of love we were given. Miracle.

 

 

Deciding where to bury Adam was easy. We wanted him in Utah because that will always be somewhere we'll visit often and is the only place that we have real roots. Adam is in a cemetery with many of his ancestors dating back to the pioneers (on Scott's mom's side). Scott's grandmother lost her first baby when he was a day old. His name was Joseph Michael Smith. Scott's middle name is Michael after that uncle, and Adam's middle name is Joseph. Scott's grandma offered to let Adam share the plot with Joseph Michael and we feel they were meant to share that spot. Grandma said "I'm so glad Joseph Michael isn't alone anymore". What a sweet sweet thing for our son to be buried by so many noble ancestors. I find comfort in knowing he's surrounded by family. Miracle.

 The hardest part of that day was leaving the cemetery. I made Scott stay and wait for the vault truck to come while I waited in the car. Scott stepped into the grave and put the casket in the vault with the 3 white roses and he waited until the top of the vault had been place on top. He has such a small casket that I didn't want to leave him there alone.

Saying Goodbye for now

We were able to go back once before we drove back to Arizona and it is such a peaceful, sacred place. I have a new understanding of death, and no longer have a fear.

We are grateful for our guardian angel and look forward to the day we will be reunited.

'Til we meet again Adam.

How am I doing?

This is the question most frequently asked. Usually it's with a sympathetic smile and sometimes when I say "good" I feel like people are surprised. There are a lot of mixed emotions these days. Some days I cry driving to work and driving home from work, and other days I don't cry at all. Little things set off the emotions and it's different every time. What I've found is that it's totally unpredictable. And when I do feel okay, or even good, sometimes I start to feel guilty, thinking that I should be mourning every moment. And yet I know that so many people are praying for us to find peace and I know that's where the "good" is coming from so I'm working on not feeling that guilt. The worst is when someone hugs me and they cry, and the tears don't come for me. I hope they realize that they don't come on command and I'm not heartless or over it. Sometimes they just don't come even when I'm feeling sorrow.

I'm still going through the stages of grief, and just got over the anger stage. I gave a lesson 2 weeks ago about death. I told the girls I was being brave for giving that lesson and not pawning it off on another leader, but I know that we were given this experience in part to share and to testify. I let the girls ask me anything they wanted. One girl tearfully asked if I was angry with God. My answer: Absolutely not. After all the miracles he gave to us, I could never be angry with him. So you may ask who am I angry at? Pretty much everyone else, for stupid trivial stuff that is irrational. I had road rage, I was a very unpleasant and impatient wife, I bit my tongue numerous times at work knowing I couldn't lash out there, and I was angry with myself for several reasons. I was just angry at everyone and everything except God. Having studied psychology, I understand anger is a normal reaction, but I'm so glad that part is over.

Life has gone back to the same routine yet now I have more projects, more memorabilia to make. I still have a stack of over 100 cards and letters that I have yet to respond to. So many were so generous to us with their words and gifts, it's a little overwhelming thinking of that pile that I have yet to respond to.

So, how am I doing? I'm surviving. It is still a matter of taking it one day at a time. I wish I were around family at this time, but we're grateful for a ward family that has taken such good care of us, and still make sure we're okay.

How is Scott doing? He's a rock. I don't know how I got so lucky. He's been so patient with me and has never been unkind when I've been angry. He's a saint for sure.

I promise not to make all of my future blog posts so sad, but I will post a lot about Adam. Here is a picture of some of his things. The framed quote is from Scott's sister Karin and her family, the basket is what he laid in after he passed with a blanket that matches the one he was buried with, in the basket is his toy the hospital gave him, we have a little plague with his pictures, and his hand and foot prints that were done at the hospital. Next project will be the shadow box.