I'll go where you want me to go dear Lord

We sang that hymn today at church and it brought back some memories of Price. I remember we sang that song in sacrament meeting a few weeks before we moved to Arizona, and I remember sobbing as I sang it. I was so excited to go to Arizona and start a new adventure but I was so sad to leave my ward family, all of the friends we had made in those 4 years, and all the familiarity of Price. It was scary, but I knew the Lord was directing us to move on, to grow more, stretch our capacity, to make new friends, to be a helping hand to others, and help us be a better us.

Something about me is that I don't do well in new settings. I don't really consider myself shy per say, but I feel like I'm my best self when I'm around people I already know and feel comfortable with. Scott is the exact opposite in that he thrives in settings where he is meeting new people. He loves it, and I hate it. So moving is never easy for me. But I'm so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who knows what I need, and tells me to go where He wants me to go in order to be a better me. He even led us to the area that we were meant to be in, we know that for a fact.

Our lease is up the beginning of October, and we had a lot of options in front of us. I'm feeling very grateful that Heavenly Father is allowing us to stay in this area for now. We are excited to put down some roots and throw away the moving boxes (they've survived 3 moves already). More to come on that later...

Latest travels

I'm a little worn out from traveling. Since we moved here 22 months ago, I've been to Utah 11 times. Each time has had a legitimate purpose: 6 times for work, 3 funerals and 2 weddings. 2 of those times were last month. For this post I'll focus on the first trip.

We made several stops on our trip. Our first stop was to St. George. I had a work conference there. While there we went to Tuacahn. It was my first time there and we were able to see Little Mermaid. It was so much fun!

 After St. George, we drove to Salt lake, spent a day and then flew to Missouri. It was the first time I've been out there in 3 years. It was so green and very humid. We had a great time.

Westwood Home backyard

We spent a fair amount of time on the Westwood Civil War Ranch. Scott's parents purchased it almost 2 years ago. The views are amazing and it is such a peaceful place. At times I find myself talking to Adam and this is one of the places where I felt very close to him.

The Wedding Tree

 

We spent time on the pond. The kids had a blast on the canoes and rafts. 

The farm house is so awesome. Scott's parents hope to move in there soon. They are just waiting on the sale of their home.

 A fun little outhouse, that is not used, but is a fun little addition to the property.

Scott enjoying the baby bunnies on the ranch.

Westwood Ranch Office

Civil War Arena Speedway

One of the days we were out there, we took a day trip to Eureka Springs, Arkansas. It was so beautiful. We stopped at the Thorncrown Chapel (the glass chapel). The building is mostly windows and is spectacular as you sit inside and are able to see nature all around you.

 We took a short hike to a balance rock. It was super duper hot and humid.

 We spent some time in downtown in Eureka Springs. It was a charming little town, filled with shops and restaurants. 

 Not too often that you get to see Humtpy Dumpty.

  Can you see Scott?

 After Eureka Springs, we drove through Branson and then stopped to eat at Lambert's Cafe.

Some of the best rolls ever!

I made my mark on the map at Lambert's. Representing Mesa!

All in all it was a fun trip. We flew back to SLC, spent another day with my family, visited Adam's grave and then drove home.

Adam's service

Has it really been 3 months since that day? Time is a funny thing when you're mourning. That day seems so long ago yet it feels like I was just pregnant and looking forward to a bright future. I try not to dwell too much on the past but I do want to record these events and share then with those that couldn't attend.

The day of the service was bitter bitter cold, even for Utahns, but especially for us (now) thin blooded Arizonians. While driving to Utah we had discussed what we felt we should talk about at the service. We both felt strongly that we needed to talk at our son's service. We had so many things we wanted to share with those dearest to us. And we were forced to limit the time since it was so cold.

Scott conducted at the service. We sang "I am a child of God" and then my dad gave the opening prayer. Then I spoke and then Scott spoke. We sang "Families can be together forever" and Scott's dad dedicated the grave.

We were able to spend time at the cemetery and visit with those that had attended. We were so grateful to those that made the effort to come.

 

 

 

And we got a little miracle during the service. The whole valley was cloudy and during the service the sky opened up and rays of sun were directed only on that small part of the cemetery. The rest of the sky was completely covered in clouds. What a blessing from heaven to know that there is still light. Miracle.

The casket that Adam was buried in was made by our bishop. He is a carpenter by trade and when he and his wife came to visit us in the hospital a couple hours after Adam was born, he started thumbing through his phone while we were visiting. He then showed Scott a picture of a tiny casket and said "How about this one?". He then asked what color we wanted and it just fell into place that he was going to make the place for our son to rest in. What a precious gift it was. He later told us that he had never made one, and it was one of two times in his life where he's wanted to make something and the blueprint was basically shown to him in his mind. A lady in our ward sowed together the lining for the inside. It turned out beautiful and we have the old fashioned key that locked it shut. They accomplished this in 3 days. What an amazing gift of love we were given. Miracle.

 

 

Deciding where to bury Adam was easy. We wanted him in Utah because that will always be somewhere we'll visit often and is the only place that we have real roots. Adam is in a cemetery with many of his ancestors dating back to the pioneers (on Scott's mom's side). Scott's grandmother lost her first baby when he was a day old. His name was Joseph Michael Smith. Scott's middle name is Michael after that uncle, and Adam's middle name is Joseph. Scott's grandma offered to let Adam share the plot with Joseph Michael and we feel they were meant to share that spot. Grandma said "I'm so glad Joseph Michael isn't alone anymore". What a sweet sweet thing for our son to be buried by so many noble ancestors. I find comfort in knowing he's surrounded by family. Miracle.

 The hardest part of that day was leaving the cemetery. I made Scott stay and wait for the vault truck to come while I waited in the car. Scott stepped into the grave and put the casket in the vault with the 3 white roses and he waited until the top of the vault had been place on top. He has such a small casket that I didn't want to leave him there alone.

Saying Goodbye for now

We were able to go back once before we drove back to Arizona and it is such a peaceful, sacred place. I have a new understanding of death, and no longer have a fear.

We are grateful for our guardian angel and look forward to the day we will be reunited.

'Til we meet again Adam.

How am I doing?

This is the question most frequently asked. Usually it's with a sympathetic smile and sometimes when I say "good" I feel like people are surprised. There are a lot of mixed emotions these days. Some days I cry driving to work and driving home from work, and other days I don't cry at all. Little things set off the emotions and it's different every time. What I've found is that it's totally unpredictable. And when I do feel okay, or even good, sometimes I start to feel guilty, thinking that I should be mourning every moment. And yet I know that so many people are praying for us to find peace and I know that's where the "good" is coming from so I'm working on not feeling that guilt. The worst is when someone hugs me and they cry, and the tears don't come for me. I hope they realize that they don't come on command and I'm not heartless or over it. Sometimes they just don't come even when I'm feeling sorrow.

I'm still going through the stages of grief, and just got over the anger stage. I gave a lesson 2 weeks ago about death. I told the girls I was being brave for giving that lesson and not pawning it off on another leader, but I know that we were given this experience in part to share and to testify. I let the girls ask me anything they wanted. One girl tearfully asked if I was angry with God. My answer: Absolutely not. After all the miracles he gave to us, I could never be angry with him. So you may ask who am I angry at? Pretty much everyone else, for stupid trivial stuff that is irrational. I had road rage, I was a very unpleasant and impatient wife, I bit my tongue numerous times at work knowing I couldn't lash out there, and I was angry with myself for several reasons. I was just angry at everyone and everything except God. Having studied psychology, I understand anger is a normal reaction, but I'm so glad that part is over.

Life has gone back to the same routine yet now I have more projects, more memorabilia to make. I still have a stack of over 100 cards and letters that I have yet to respond to. So many were so generous to us with their words and gifts, it's a little overwhelming thinking of that pile that I have yet to respond to.

So, how am I doing? I'm surviving. It is still a matter of taking it one day at a time. I wish I were around family at this time, but we're grateful for a ward family that has taken such good care of us, and still make sure we're okay.

How is Scott doing? He's a rock. I don't know how I got so lucky. He's been so patient with me and has never been unkind when I've been angry. He's a saint for sure.

I promise not to make all of my future blog posts so sad, but I will post a lot about Adam. Here is a picture of some of his things. The framed quote is from Scott's sister Karin and her family, the basket is what he laid in after he passed with a blanket that matches the one he was buried with, in the basket is his toy the hospital gave him, we have a little plague with his pictures, and his hand and foot prints that were done at the hospital. Next project will be the shadow box.

Family pictures

November 30, a beautiful, crisp November morning, Scott and I had family pictures taken. I was so excited that I was finally starting to look pregnant. It was so weird for me to have my midsection growing and not be bothered by it. I loved it and tried to embrace each change, as I knew it meant that our little one inside of me was growing. Little did I know that the next morning I'd find the first signs of pre-term labor and the morning after that I'd be admitted into the hospital with very little hope that I'd walk out of there with a baby.

While in the hospital I thought about these pictures a lot. At first I was upset and didn't want to see them, as they'd be a reminder of this tragedy. By the time I left the hospital, empty armed,  I wanted them, because they would be the only official family pictures we'd have with Adam. Another tender mercy from a loving Heavenly Father.

I look at these and see so much hope, happiness and excitement. I try to remember that time. I hope we can find that hope and happiness again one day. I know it will be hard since every pregnancy I have from here on out will be high risk but we will try to have faith.

I'm super grateful to have these. We will cherish them.