How am I doing?

This is the question most frequently asked. Usually it's with a sympathetic smile and sometimes when I say "good" I feel like people are surprised. There are a lot of mixed emotions these days. Some days I cry driving to work and driving home from work, and other days I don't cry at all. Little things set off the emotions and it's different every time. What I've found is that it's totally unpredictable. And when I do feel okay, or even good, sometimes I start to feel guilty, thinking that I should be mourning every moment. And yet I know that so many people are praying for us to find peace and I know that's where the "good" is coming from so I'm working on not feeling that guilt. The worst is when someone hugs me and they cry, and the tears don't come for me. I hope they realize that they don't come on command and I'm not heartless or over it. Sometimes they just don't come even when I'm feeling sorrow.

I'm still going through the stages of grief, and just got over the anger stage. I gave a lesson 2 weeks ago about death. I told the girls I was being brave for giving that lesson and not pawning it off on another leader, but I know that we were given this experience in part to share and to testify. I let the girls ask me anything they wanted. One girl tearfully asked if I was angry with God. My answer: Absolutely not. After all the miracles he gave to us, I could never be angry with him. So you may ask who am I angry at? Pretty much everyone else, for stupid trivial stuff that is irrational. I had road rage, I was a very unpleasant and impatient wife, I bit my tongue numerous times at work knowing I couldn't lash out there, and I was angry with myself for several reasons. I was just angry at everyone and everything except God. Having studied psychology, I understand anger is a normal reaction, but I'm so glad that part is over.

Life has gone back to the same routine yet now I have more projects, more memorabilia to make. I still have a stack of over 100 cards and letters that I have yet to respond to. So many were so generous to us with their words and gifts, it's a little overwhelming thinking of that pile that I have yet to respond to.

So, how am I doing? I'm surviving. It is still a matter of taking it one day at a time. I wish I were around family at this time, but we're grateful for a ward family that has taken such good care of us, and still make sure we're okay.

How is Scott doing? He's a rock. I don't know how I got so lucky. He's been so patient with me and has never been unkind when I've been angry. He's a saint for sure.

I promise not to make all of my future blog posts so sad, but I will post a lot about Adam. Here is a picture of some of his things. The framed quote is from Scott's sister Karin and her family, the basket is what he laid in after he passed with a blanket that matches the one he was buried with, in the basket is his toy the hospital gave him, we have a little plague with his pictures, and his hand and foot prints that were done at the hospital. Next project will be the shadow box.